Dear Lover of Live,
“I feel puzzled” might be a mellow way to describe
how I experienced my life period between my thirties and forties.
I seemed to not make the smartest moves in life which had its toll the mid of my forties.
At this point I had some nagging health issues
as well as financial challenges and demands while going through a divorce.
Internally I felt like herding mice in a mice wheel.
To boil it down: I did not know what to do.
I felt extremely lost, afraid to lose even my health,
very hopeless while in a lot of emotional pain.
Fortunately I was aware that my issues are an internal reflection.
My only way out seemed to be…hanging in and going THROUGH.
Later I learnt a great saying from a Medical Qigong teacher of mine:
“Whatever went into the bucket needs to come out.” How right he was.
Obviously it took a more radial wake up call for me to finally open up to face one of my hardest blocks.
Originally I was raised in East Germany [GDR] under a restrictive Communist Regime in a small village close to Leipzig.
We were not encouraged to speak up for ourselves; not in public nor at home.
I could not express the sexual and physical abuse I was under, even though I did speak up.
Nobody believed me, which opened the doors to continuous abuse.
There was no hope of relief soon.
I was urged to find solutions within the situation to grow internally
beyond my capacity of feeling pain.
It was not just my own pain that I experienced, but the pain of everyone around me.
Something must be majorly wrong with me
was conclusion from the perspective of a child.
It became extremely important to sort out
the nuts and bolts how to be around people
with influence and power over me.
In those years I have learnt how to get and be ready for internal and external war – every single day.
The worst part…I didn’t even know I was doing it because I thought that was life.
[Allow a note at this point:
I always felt the heavy load of our German heritage.
My parents have been raised by a generation that went through two wars.
Every person in devastating situations like a war will be focused on survival for themselves and their loved ones.
Those behaviors and ways how to live life have been handed down through generations.
And even though the war was over when my parents grew up, but the war in people’s mind was still very alive and present.
My parents have been raised to survive and work hard; that was their parents main concern for life.
Today I realize that this is why war can continue to exist on this planet
because some of those thoughts and programmed believes
we will not simply get out of our minds through
affirmations and thinking positive.
I know that this is true by looking how much war we still experience on the planet.]
Everything in my childhood was about the next fight to
avoid fear and pain for survival and have some pleasure.
…even though I had a lot of natural talents the most have not been nurtured under those circumstances,
except my inner connection to Divine.
I found great release in all kinds of physical and creative activities
including sports, singing, painting and so on.
Then I could relax enough to listen within
and when I followed the internally given instructions I had outcomes I really loved.
On the other site I loaded tons of extra work on my plate to fit in
and be loved as all other kids were.
But at the end of the day it increased only the pressure to finish things
– which I simply couldn’t.
My more aggressive louder internal voice pushed me
only into situations to proof that I’m worthy, can take care, and can help others…
Over the year this was one of my repetitive patters
trying desperately to get out of pain and restrictions.
All kinds of physical issues occurred in childhood
as a result of being permanently stressed out,
but my inner spirit kept me moving.
The most life changing encounter with my spirit presence was with the age of seventeen:
I remember the event very clearly: another dangerous situation.
But this time I had so much enough and I decided to give up and die…and I completely surrendered.
In that second I had dropped all resistance.
For the very first time I experienced my true nature.
That moment at the age of seventeen my life had changed forever and set me on the path.
It took until my fifties to integrate all those information
allowing me to truly heal from my childhood trauma.
All the years of repeating similar events, circumstances, relationships
have been my training to be able to finally really see the true cause
of all my issues in life.
When I allowed myself to look at it intensive changes occurred
and I felt immediately so much lighter as if 1000 lbs invisible weight have been lifted from my shoulders.
I love the Magic Flute by Mozart and the story of Osiris and Isis
which is the most elaborate and influential story in ancient Egyptian mythology, (it’s truly magnificent and magical).
It concerns the murder of the God Osiris, a primeval king of Egypt,
and its consequences.
Osiris’s murderer, his brother Set, chopped him into pieces
and scattering the pieces all over the land to suppress his brother’s power
and to usurp his throne.
Meanwhile, Osiris’s wife Isis restores her husband’s body,
allowing him to posthumously conceive their son, Horus…
(quote from wikipedia).
The Magic Flute is a master piece demonstrating our personal healing path
as we go through(seemingly) hell or death,
new life is born out the ashes becoming WHOLE again.
Each body part was necessary for the resurrection like a puzzle.
Each piece found will give more information about the big image.
ALL pieces are important to be whole, non of it
can’t be rejected, ignored, pushed away, overruled, betrayed…
Each time ONE lost part can be integrated –
The puzzle becomes more clear –
Life get’s better.
Today I experience a much more abundant life in all the ways.
I am in love with my hubby who really listens and cares about me and my family.
He is my absolute best friend, supports and cheerleads my work
while encouraging to never lose my dream.
We have manifested our custom built dream home
and are financially very stabile.
My relationships get better and better every day especially to my SELF, which makes me feel content, peaceful, and full of bubbling energy.
My work with clients and my personal relationships
give me plenty of opportunities to expand and grow.
It’s much easier to flow as the river flows
and have everyone in the rafting boat paddling in the same direction.
One ending of a period in life brings forth the next new period.
At this moment in my life I deep completion,
I invite you to journey within you discovering more of your true Greatness.
Love and Light