My Personal Story
“I feel puzzled” might be a mellow way to describe how I experienced my life period between my thirties and forties. I seemed to not make the smartest moves in life which had its toll the mid of my forties.
At this point I had some nagging health issues as well as financial challenges and demands while going through a divorce. Internally I felt like herding mice in a mice wheel.
To boil it down: I did not know what to do.
I felt extremely lost, afraid to lose even my health,
very hopeless while in a lot of emotional pain.
Fortunately I was aware that my issues are an internal reflection. My only way out seemed to be…hanging in and going THROUGH. Later I learnt a great saying from a Medical Qigong teacher of mine:
“Whatever went into the bucket needs to come out.” How right he was.
Obviously it took a more radial wake up call for me to finally open up to face one of my hardest blocks. Originally I was raised in East Germany [GDR] under a restrictive Communist Regime in a small village close to Leipzig. We were not encouraged to speak up for ourselves; not in public nor at home.
I could not express the sexual and physical abuse I was under, even though I did speak up. Nobody believed me, which opened the doors to continuous abuse. There was no hope of relief coming soon.
I was urged to find solutions within the situation to grow internally beyond my capacity of feeling pain. It was not just my own pain that I experienced, but the pain of everyone around me. From a child’s perspective I was thinking: “Something must be majorly wrong with me.” It became extremely important to sort out the nuts and bolts how to be around people with influence and power over me.
In those years I have learnt how to get and be ready for internal and external war – every single day.
The worst part…I didn’t even know I was doing it because I thought that was life.
Allow a note at this point: I always felt the heavy load of our German heritage. My parents have been raised by a generation that went through two wars.
Every person in devastating situations like a war is under immense stress every minute without any resolution. My grandparents lived through death and other strong situations that are beyond our capacity to even imagine. My maternal grandma was one of the strongest person I knew. She never showed really weakness or vulnerability and she was though…at the end of her life she suffered terrible four year before she pass away. That really made me think. She was serving her whole life and did not get any break. Nobody ever should have a life like that.
And even though the war was in the last movements when my mom grew up, but the war in people’s mind was still very alive and present. My paternal grandma had a very different family situation but also my dad was imprinted and raised to survive and work hard; that was their parents main concern for life.
Today I realize war has continued in our minds as mental constructs, thoughts, family survival pattern, learnt believes and has trained us to cut off from any vulnerable part, weakness, darkness, emotions that aren’t acceptable in society in order to mask and pretend a fully functioning person fitting in pushing all not wanted parts under the carpet or press them into the closet.
The truth is…no matter how nicely we tuck our wounds and pains mentally away and under – they still exist and knock on. You probably experienced already: we will not simply get out of our minds thinking us healthy through affirmations and thinking positive alone.
I know that this is true by looking how much war we still experience on the planet.
Everything in my childhood was about the next fight to avoid fear and pain for survival and have some relaxation, some breathing out moments.
And even though I had a lot of natural talents, most of my talents could not be nurtured under those circumstances…except my inner connection to Divine.
I found great release in all kinds of physical and creative activities including sports, singing, painting and so on. Then I could relax enough to listen within and when I followed the internally given instructions I had outcomes I really loved.
On the other site I loaded tons of extra work on my plate to fit in and be loved as all other kids were.
But at the end of the day I had so much pressure to finish all the things that I have started that I often couldn’t. My childish conclusions were: “I am a failure and have no value.”
My more aggressive louder internal voice pushed me only into situations to proof that I’m worthy, can take care, and can help others…Over the year this was one of my repetitive patters trying desperately to get out of pain and restrictions. All kinds of physical issues occurred in childhood as a result of being permanently stressed out, but my inner spirit kept me moving.
The most life changing encounter with my spirit presence was with the age of seventeen:
I remember the event very clearly: another dangerous situation. But this time I had so much enough and I decided to give up and die…and I completely surrendered. In that second I had dropped all resistance. For the very first time I experienced my true nature.
That moment at the age of seventeen my life had changed forever and set me on the path.
It took until my fifties to integrate all those information allowing me then to truly heal from my childhood trauma of sexual, emotional and physical abuse. All the years of repeating similar events, circumstances, relationships have been simply repetition of traumatic splits that occurred as a child. More then 30 years of searching for the holy grail of healing I learnt that healing is already mine and it is up to me to claim health back. That is not so easy… but knowing what I know now:
It is all so worth it. Every single step towards more of YOURSELF.
I love the Magic Flute by Mozart and the story of Osiris and Isis which is the most elaborate and influential story in ancient Egyptian mythology, (it’s truly magnificent and magical). It concerns the murder of the God Osiris, a primeval king of Egypt, and its consequences. Osiris’s murderer, his brother Set, chopped him into pieces and scattering the pieces all over the land to suppress his brother’s power and to usurp his throne. Meanwhile, Osiris’s wife Isis restores her husband’s body, allowing him to posthumously conceive their son, Horus…(quote from wikipedia).
The Magic Flute is a master piece demonstrating our personal healing path as we go through(seemingly) hell or death, new life is born out the ashes becoming WHOLE again. Each body part was necessary for the resurrection like a puzzle. Each piece found will give more information about the big image. ALL pieces are important to be whole, non of it can’t be rejected, ignored, pushed away, overruled, betrayed…
Each time ONE lost part can be integrated – life becomes more clear and it get’s better.
Today I experience a much more abundant life in all the ways. I am in love with my hubby who really listens and cares about me and my family. He is my absolute best friend, supports and cheerleads my work while encouraging to never lose my dream. We have manifested our custom built dream home and are financially very stabile. My relationships get better and better every day especially to my SELF, which makes me feel content, peaceful, and full of bubbling energy. My work with clients and my personal relationships give me plenty of opportunities to expand and grow. It’s much easier to flow as the river flows and have everyone in the rafting boat paddling in the same direction.
Healing is an ongoing process…I’m amazed how everything that was and is necessary for us on our healing journey is already available when we begin to look for.
I invite you to journey within you discovering more of your True Greatness.
Love and Light